Like, literally.

Bring elocution classes back into core curriculum, because I am, like, literally, dying of frustration at the anti-grammar epidemic. It appears to be worldwide, but New Zealand I fear has been hit hardest.

I know I have already written about New Zealand's Next Top Model, but I wanted to stay on topic just briefly, for this brief rant.

The drama, the screams and the feigning of surprise, particularly by Bianca, who I suspect knows full well she's a front runner for the title. It's all a load of codswollop, if I'm honest, and it could have been prevented by either selecting older contestants (still risky), or even educating current contestants on "how to fake being a grown up for the next 12 weeks in order to preserve your dignity" (more reliable).

The worst aspect though? The absolute pits?

The incorrect use of 'like' and 'literally'.

The other day I presented the checkout operator with a bottle of water and two Bumper Bars (apricot and chocolate, if you're wondering).

"Oh my god, literally everyone buys those bumper bars, where are they?"
Firstly. Literally everyone?

Secondly. Where are they? Product knowledge and store maps should be first on the agenda when beginning a new job. And if your employer seems a little lacklustre, take the initiative yourself. You should know I was in a Four Square which is typically constructed with, 'like', 4-8 short aisles.

Feeling a little flustered with this near accosting behaviour of the teenager, I pointed to the aisle. The teenager seemed shocked.

"Oh, are they like, all the way down there? Because I thought they were near me, and whenever I go on a break I go to look for them, and like, I can't find them, so I like, forget."

Jesus.

The worst thing? I say like. Particularly when fatigued or flustered. I hear myself, and I cringe. Like, seriously cringe (incorrect use, just there).

We all say like. And it is so damn wrong. So wrong.

-I like apples. Correct.
-I like to watch Shortland Street. Correct.
-It tastes like chicken. Correct.
-I was like, so angry. Incorrect.
-I was like, literally dying. Incorrect. Not only were you and dying not similar, you in fact were not literally dying.
-"He said will you go out with me, and I was like, like, um, yes!" Incorrect. He asked you. Drop the was, drop the likes, just say yes. Even better, yes please.

In summary?

WE NEED TO, AS A NATION:

• Re-introduce elocution classes.

• Drop the 'like' from our conversation and, I can't believe it has gotten this bad, our writing, unless there is an article, subject or action you are fond of, or two or more of said articles, subjects or actions that you are comparing.

• Say please and thank you without fail when appreciative, or requesting assistance.

Until next time,

L.

It's that time again...

To take the mick out of people. It's such a delight to do so. But there is a line. Sometimes when I have crossed that line unintentionally, I have this immense sense of shame fill my stomach and I lose sleep for an indefinite amount of time. It's when I have not thought through my fun poke, and upon vocal delivery realise that I just sound mean. Now, spite in taking the mick out of people is not my intention. What my intention is usually is to not so diplomatically (yet if the subject refuses to take themselves lightly it is merely a faux interest in themselves in which I have taken) encourage people/dickheads/lovely people having a self indulgent moment to take themselves less seriously, get off their self elevated golden throne, and have a laugh at themselves. I have them, and I sincerely appreciate people doing the same for me. It keeps one grounded. And mindful of others.

Who am I referring to at this very moment? No one I know personally. My 'victim' is currently selling some sweet Witchery and Country Road items on Trademe. Neither stores exist in Hawkes Bay or in Bay of Plenty, and though it's always better to try things on in store, I do like to daydream whilst perusing for sweet tea cups, outdoor chairs and leather pants (damn it, I still cannot find the right pair!).

Anyway. At the risk of being caught out myself by a fellow mick taker, I'm wagering more heavily on the angle that this girl is dead serious. It makes my point feasible. The following sentence was this girl's catalyst for selling her wardrobe.

Welcome to my auction. I am selling all of fab belongings. Turning into material- free Yogi/ Musician.

(the following free space is silence to absorb the above)





YOU NEVER. NEVER. NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT. People who, for decades, or without making a song and dance about the above lifestyle have just gone ahead and done it, would NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT. People like misguided trade me girl make a mockery whether they like it or not of people who genuinely live and breathe material free lifestyles, or musicians who cannot afford possessions because they would rather write and perform music. It's not always a choice if you are a pursuing something you want so badly, it's not glamourous, or a 'trend' to adhere to briefly, these lifestyle choices can sometimes go so far as to define a person. It's like choosing to become a nun, or bankrupt yourself going organic farming because you 100% believe it is right, not because it is cool or fun to become bankrupt or give up sex for life.

Where have all the genuine cowboys gone? The same place one hit wonder Paula Cole went is my guess.

Until next time!
L.